I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
