right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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