I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
