Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Houston, we have a squirter
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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