The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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