how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
