i love accidental penises.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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