You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
