YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
