I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
