Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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