I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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