What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
