I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
