i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
