I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
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