You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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