Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
