I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
