I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
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