i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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