I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
