i need an iv and a liver transplant
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
