i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
