I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
