There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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