I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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