I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
