So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
