I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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