Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
