Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize