So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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