all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
