i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
