Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
