I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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