He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
