2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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