The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
