He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
