He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Randomize
