I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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