Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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