he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
There's even glitter on my cock...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
