the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
