Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize