I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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