Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
