FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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