Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
