Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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