so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
