I didn't shave. On purpose
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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