ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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