I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
