If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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