The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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