My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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